Results Day on the Hottest Day of the Year.

 On the hottest day of the year, while waiting for my school to shut, I had a message from my Uni girl reminding me that it was results day.

Over the past few months, we have had so many upheavals: losing my father-in-law to cancer, having to make decisions about immunotherapy for our five-year-old, and making life-changing decisions regarding employment. Those results felt like another anxiety I couldn’t quite deal with at that moment.

Once home, in the cool, air-conditioned bedroom, I braced myself for possible disappointment.

Not only did I want to do well, which I guess pretty much everyone wants, but I also wanted to justify my hard work and my return to study to my in-laws, who have seen this move as ridiculous, or even a waste of time.

For me, it is neither.

For me, it is finally slaying the imposter syndrome demon that has lived rent-free in my head for as long as I can remember.

I have always felt that some professions were clearly out of reach for me. Anything medical felt so far beyond me that anyone who is even a nurse has my utmost respect. Looking after people in their most vulnerable state, supporting their families, and then coming home to your own must be one of the most challenging jobs I can imagine.

Then, even in education, where I have worked all my life, becoming part of a senior management team was a feat I completely missed. Once I had children and started working part-time, those roles were wiped out of my reach. Would I have been capable of them? Maybe. But that opportunity never arose, and it never will.

Then there were the many other roles I would have liked to do, all never quite within my grasp, until law became part of the discussion as a possible career change.

Suddenly, becoming a lawyer didn’t seem like an impossible venture. That learning became a corridor I was allowed to walk through, leading me towards the doors on the other side.

The imposter syndrome demon had been holding me back, constantly reminding me that I was not good enough, clever enough, or young enough.

But today, I felt as if I was able to push it away.

I looked at my results and felt that I am good enough. I am strong enough to carry this through. And believing this, as well as allowing the people I love to believe it too, has been the key to my success this year.

So when I say I have high expectations for myself, it is because it is the only way to push away that demon that keeps trying to bring me down.

Now, I hope for a relaxing summer, and time to mentally prepare myself for another year of learning, of joy with my Uni girls and wonderful tutors, and of reaching those doors, which are getting closer and closer.